Bourgtastic!

Now let me say I know that talking about women’s shoes earns me an immediate “suspect” label.

But dammit this needs to be said.

Ladies. I love y’all. All a y’all. I regularly see women doing their damn thing on the street, with a real confident style just burning the concrete up.

But then, far too often, I see a woman just… just… doing the wrong things when it comes to footwear.

Although it’s mostly sneakers, I think at this point I own more footwear than the average materialistic female, and I definitely understand the need to occasionally buy shoes just to buy shoes. The difference is, and please feel free to blame this dichotomy on whatever flavor of patriarchal oppresion / history sexism you like, but the difference is that all of my shoes (a) cover my whole foot and (b) are extremely easy to walk in. This is not the case with many women’s shoes.

Anyway enough blathering; here are my three Tips To Wearing Shoes If You Are A Girl™

1. If your toes look like a pack of fish sticks, please do not wear open toed anythings.

Unless your shoes are made of hot sauce and white bread you need to suspend all plans to wear open-toed shoes until you get that taken care of, kthxbye.

2. If strappy shoes make your legs look like someone tried to tie off some raw meat, please do not wear straps.

This does NOT mean you can’t wear strappy shoes with big legs. Some girls have big legs that look great and are well toned. This DOES mean that, if your legs look like when you first open a can of biscuits, you need to just go ahead and let them breathe.

3. This is the most important: If your shoes make you walk like a newborn baby cow, do not wear them.

I think this one is self-explanatory. Work on your walk ladies PLEASE. A mean walk gets you so, so far in my book. Any dude is gonna want to enter a party with that by his side. And NO dude wants to hear “Yo how come your girl walk like a linebacker but she weigh a buck twenty?” from his boys.

* Plays “the more you know” music *