Bourgtastic!

It’s the little things.

First, I did NOT fuck up my best friend’s wedding by botching the all-important best man speech.  I am a TERRIBLE public speaker in general and I really don’t enjoy it.  I fumble and mumble and make jokes that only I get.  Being an habitual procrastinator, I still waiting until the day of to write the speech, but I found a solid hour alone to practice it, and tweaked it as the night went on.  I wrote the entire thing on my iPhone.  I also drank a solid three or four Jack and Coke’s, my new go-to drink.

Relative after relative came up afterwards to tell me my speech was perfect. PERFECT. I felt like Spud winning the slam dunk contest.

Second, I was able to give my salary expectations in an interview recently, straight-up, with an “and I’m not really interested in negotiating that” face.  It was a salary target I’d been looking at for a while now, and for a full-time job, it’s fantastic.  I think they might give it to me, or at least 90% of it.  It would probably change my life over the next year or so.

As seen on the ever-entertaining Bourgie Adventures, there is a new meme on the block: A googlebomb to get the …er… less-connected among us to find the answer to that question.

So…. is Barack Obama muslim?  Click and find out for yourself.

From the Sartorialist:

I had a blasty blast but…

Two tickets to Badu: $130
Two tickets to Radiohead: $250
Dinner for two at Mccormick & Schmicks: $120
New Y-3 jacket: $270 (shit is boss tho)
Air Structure Triax ’91’s (Lucky Greens): $90
Air Max 90 (Optical Illusion pack): $90
Gas and other random shit:$50+

Then this weekend is NYC.

Then the weekend after that is my housewarming.

Then the weekend after THAT is my best friend’s wedding (I’m best man, haven’t bought a gift yet).

I sure hope my job hires me instead of letting my contract run out.

From an old ex.  Unfortunately she drives me far too crazy to be much more than friends.  Plus she’s well outside of my target demographic (unwed, childless 30-somethings).  So, I can’t accept.  But it’s nice to know I’m considered eligible!

A bourgie friend of mine recently introduced me to the wonderful world of single-malt scotch.

I feel like I’m finally old enough to explore the upper echelons of alcohol consumption. I started off with vodka in high school, lol. Then “graduated” to horrible, horrible beer in college: National Bohemian (Natty Bo), Milwaukee’s Best (Beast), Coors Light, and the king of shitty beers that people think are good, Corona. Fuck you – it’s a terrible, terrible abortion of a beer.

In my early to mid twenties I decided to stop drinking like the proletariat and limit myself to basically better versions of what I was drinking before. Grey Goose over Absolute, Patron over Cuervo, Chimay over Bud, etc.

But Scotch is something completely different. Complex tastes, incredible variations. Plus you can’t sound like anything but a pimp ordering a “Caol Ila 18, neat with a water back”. Caol Ila 18, incidentally, was the first bottle of scotch I ever purchased. I think I had my first drink in a red plastic cup. Allow me to explain this.

I hate doing dishes. Passionately. Knowing this about myself, I tend to buy plastic cups and paper plates for my own use (although I still use quality flatware, because fuck plastic flatware). I *have* decent plates because there are some things, like steak, that you really can’t eat on a paper plate for functional reasons (any decent knife will turn your paper plate into steaky confetti).

Now, there’s really no cold drink that you can’t drink out of plastic cups. So I just didn’t buy any. They were just more work.

Scotch is the beverage that makes me willing to wash dishes again.

I need to see the cloudiness of the batch, the hints of sediment, the color, the viscosity. I have to keep an eye on how watered down it’s become if I’m drinking it on the rocks, and apply top-offs when necessary. And scotch on the rocks in a great tumbler just looks so damn luxurious. I love it.

I have since bought two sets of tumblers.  Well, I bought one, and one was a gift from the same friend who converted me in the first place.  Both are…. ok.  The glass is a bit too thin on both sets.  The gift set is substantial enough in your hand – it’s a little light.  I really want a glass with a solid base and very clean lines.

My point is I think about things like this.

http://www.google.com/help/ig/art/

Yeah, that artist there named “Nigo” is also the mastermind behind the Bape empire/travesty of fashion.

Now he has a logo for Google.

At this point, I have to admire Nigo for being able to hang on to “The Cool” for so long, even after opening retail stores all over the place, dealing with a flood of fake product, and getting a prominent mention in a god damn Soulja Boy song.

* works on master plan to get 1 million wanabes to pay $300 for something that costs me $5 *

Now let me say I know that talking about women’s shoes earns me an immediate “suspect” label.

But dammit this needs to be said.

Ladies. I love y’all. All a y’all. I regularly see women doing their damn thing on the street, with a real confident style just burning the concrete up.

But then, far too often, I see a woman just… just… doing the wrong things when it comes to footwear.

Although it’s mostly sneakers, I think at this point I own more footwear than the average materialistic female, and I definitely understand the need to occasionally buy shoes just to buy shoes. The difference is, and please feel free to blame this dichotomy on whatever flavor of patriarchal oppresion / history sexism you like, but the difference is that all of my shoes (a) cover my whole foot and (b) are extremely easy to walk in. This is not the case with many women’s shoes.

Anyway enough blathering; here are my three Tips To Wearing Shoes If You Are A Girl™

1. If your toes look like a pack of fish sticks, please do not wear open toed anythings.

Unless your shoes are made of hot sauce and white bread you need to suspend all plans to wear open-toed shoes until you get that taken care of, kthxbye.

2. If strappy shoes make your legs look like someone tried to tie off some raw meat, please do not wear straps.

This does NOT mean you can’t wear strappy shoes with big legs. Some girls have big legs that look great and are well toned. This DOES mean that, if your legs look like when you first open a can of biscuits, you need to just go ahead and let them breathe.

3. This is the most important: If your shoes make you walk like a newborn baby cow, do not wear them.

I think this one is self-explanatory. Work on your walk ladies PLEASE. A mean walk gets you so, so far in my book. Any dude is gonna want to enter a party with that by his side. And NO dude wants to hear “Yo how come your girl walk like a linebacker but she weigh a buck twenty?” from his boys.

* Plays “the more you know” music *

Friday is shaping up to be one of those days where I have like eight events I want to go do. Last time this happened was a Thursday in February where I actually got to go to most of the events. This time they’re all happening simulataneously in different cities. Anyway I’ll be at one or more of the below:

FRIDAY

1. Philly Fun Day – hosted by some of my friends trying to bring a modicum of culture to some of my other friends. It’s pretty unlikely I’ll make it since it’s in Philly, on a Friday, and starts sorta early, but I don’t wanna write it completely off.

2. Scion House Party in Baltimore. I went to a party at this same …club? …installation? last week. Scion basically rented a townhouse in baltimore and renovated the inside with all kinds of dope art and installations and such. And free beer. And great music. Turnout was meh last time but I still had fun.

3. Nicolay & Kay at The Black Cat (DC). I haven’t even heard this album yet. But I’ve heard great things about it, and Nicolay is responsible for all the music on Foreign Exchange, which I have heard and, for a while, rocked steadily. $15.

4. A HUGE birthday party thrown by my mellow. Like 140 people have confirmed that they’ll be at this. My friend’s boovay (and her twin) is turning 30. This is normally a no-brainer for all the 30+ cougars that are certain to be in attendance.

SATURDAY

I plan to stay home, fix my car (assuming my stupid “water inlet tube” gets shipped in time), and setting up my new lofty loft in Baltimore. But you never know. Nothing planned anyway.

SUNDAY

Green Apple Festival in DC. The Roots and Toots will be there. Also Doug E. Fresh, Ne-Yo, Talib Kweli, will.i.am, etc, etc, etc. And free? Come on. Nuts. IF IF IF IF IF the weather holds this is a no-brainer. I’ll prolly go either way tho.